A picture to remind me of what July 12, 2007 was like, looking at my shade garden, showing off my favourite plant on the planet, "Goldheart" Dicentra spectrabilis (bleeding heart).
Here's my first poem, written at a stage in my life (late teens) when I was literally.. Here it is.
"Where do you go from nowhere? How shall I start from here? I've been running away in circles, but I know the circle's end is near".
Not long after I wrote that, I quit what I was doing, and went back to school. I stopped running away. I went back, as I've mentioned, as a "mature" student. Boy, was I ever!
If I ever win the lottery, I want a farm called "Circle's End". It's my home, although I'm still looking for it. I will have a pair of donkeys, and various equines, canines, felines and maybe a bovine and ovine or two for other necessities. Avians too, heck, it's MY farm! It will be close to a beach. Surrounded by trees, on all sides. Rolling, sandy-clay-loam soil. Shape-shifting ground. The rocks will be where I want them to be, not lined up on the tree-lines, impossible to move, like granite soldiers.
When I first moved into rented-rural land, I stared out at "my" back 40, and felt the most curious pang of recognition. I wonder if I was just recognizing where home should be, for everybody. I'd grown up staring into other people's houses and lives. I loved being able to watch the sunset, and see the weather patterns rolling towards me. I saw life everywhere, and my mother's face in the tree's leaf patterns. I finally started to notice plants. I slept better in those first years, than I have ever slept in my life, before or since. Even with the mice scrabbling over my head, and raccoons thumping on my door. Bats and other night creatures, whispering to each other. Coyotes and owls, hooting and howling their evening songs. It just felt like coming home. I've always enjoyed solitude. I wonder, is that because I was born into busy suburban land, with a chatter-box older sibling? Is that why my husband, who lived a very curious "double" life as a rich city/wealthy country kid on weekends, has always enjoyed human companionship? I wonder. I am so silent.
I avoid conversation, as I am so painfully aware of every word. I was born literal. It can sometimes make me funny, but also be a real PITA. I've never lost the child's expectation of truth.
wooooohoa, heavy thoughts, for a Saturday night:)
To Horses. To You, Kind Reader.
2 comments:
First of all you certainly always must have had a flair for writing, the poem has a lovely flow to it. Second thanks for the summer photo I need memories of sunshine as it is just nasty cold here today, supposed to warm up tomorrow.Circles end sounds like a perfect place for you a place of peace and comfort. Sounds to me like you were just built for country life , I have always been a farm kid , I love the ballet and theatre but would never give up my patch of heaven to be closer to it. It is important to keep some balance between solitude and socialization, trust yourself, and like yourself better, from getting to know you through the blog you are a good person with a lot to offer , share the you I have come to know with the world, they will love you. And that is why I have your back my friend.
I am also a quiet person married to a nonstop talker! I guess it's the yin and yang of the circle. I write to him, as he just can't shut long enough to listen sometimes...but he's learning.
I just went through 6 months of chemo and have RA on top of it and the man was a saint. (Even though I still want to choke him on a regular basis!)
I guess I've learned to separate what he does from what he says. His actions are beautiful, even with his foot permanently stuck in his mouth.
I hope things work for you, either way, happiness is out there. Like FV said, it is important to quit beating yourself up, and to know that people will love the real tender you that is inside your tough shell. (Once again, personal experience and a long journey of learning to open up :)) You have such talent and a beautiful heart.
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